I came across the writings of Bill Eddy recently. And I wished I had come across him many years ago. Who is Bill Eddy? If you search him, you find a blurb that tells you he’s a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute.
There is a lot I could say about Bill Eddy. But I just want to pull out a single acronym: BIFF
Got to love a good acronym!
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. And that’s it – when communicating in an exchange that is conflictual or hostile be brief, informative, friendly and firm. You are doing this essentially to de-escalate. And you are doing this because if you are dealing with a high-conflict person, it is the best way to deal with them.
So, that paragraph raises one big question: what is a high-conflict person? I will explain that briefly, but before I get there, let me flesh out BIFF a bit.
BRIEF – your response should be short and too the point. The more you say, the more the other person has to criticise and react to.
INFORMATIVE – your response should be factual and objective, free from emotions, opinions and arguments. Definitely avoid sarcasm, threats or personal remarks.
FRIENDLY – your response should be in a relaxed, non-antagonistic tone. Try to acknowledge the other person's concerns, show sincere empathy and remain respectful to calm them down and reduce defensiveness.
FIRM – your response should clearly state your position in a non-threatening way. You want to end hostilities by narrowing down the communication so that you are focusing on a solution. You’re setting boundaries and concluding the discussion, not inviting further argument.
Ok so you get the idea. BIFF is great communication advice but, as I said, especially great with a high-conflict person. So what it this kind of person?
Short description: a high-conflict person shows a pattern of behaviour marked by intense emotions, all-or-nothing thinking, extreme actions, and difficulty managing their emotions or solving problems effectively. They also have a strong tendency to blame others. They are not necessarily bad people, but just have a different personality.
So next time you are in a hostile communicative situation, remember to be BIFF!
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